Sunday, September 13, 2009

A collage of thoughts today

Today is one of those days where I have about a million and one things running thru my mind. I can't think straight, but, the good thing is that my headache is gone. It only lasted 3 days this time around. I'm still debating whether or not to have my dr prescribe me something for the migraines that result in almost week long headaches. I take enough medication as it is, so if I stick to what I have that would be great. I don't need something else to make me any more crazy than I am!

Whenever I attend a wedding I always think back on the day Randy and I got married. It seems so long ago, well, it was. It was 7 very long years ago. I was such a different person then. I was young. I won't give away my true age yet b/c I hate getting older BUT, I was very young. Probably a lot younger than most are when they get married these days. Magellan and I had a perfect wedding day, unlike the other aspects of our life. It had poured rain the day before and day after our wedding. It was beautiful out, and we got to share a very special occasion with all our friends and family. It was a ton of fun, we had a fantastic DJ and the food, though I didn't have much of it, was delicious. I often find myself wondering sometimes, what if I had waited to get married? Would Magellan and I still be together? He's a few years older than me, he always wanted to find that special someone and settle down and start a family, but were we really ready? Had we really overcome our individual issues? I often wonder if Magellan is really my soul mate? Or do I believe in soul mates? Do I even have a soulmate?

It's often so mind boggling to me that the majority of us have one person that we literally spend the rest of our lives with. What makes us choose that person? What makes us love them? Hate them or fight with them? And why do some of us leave or stay? I often wonder what is it about Randy and I that clicked that night 11.5 years ago? What made us fall in love and what makes us continue to love each other every day? And what is it that makes people fall out of love?

How is it that we can love unconditionally? Sometimes before we even meet in our children. And have it be a totally different love than what we have for anyone else in our life. My kids mean the world to me, as I'm sure every one's kids do. No matter what kind of day I've had, when all is said and done, my heart just bursts with the love I have for CJ and Ella. I remember people talking to me about the love you have for your children but I never understood it until I had them. Whenever I snuggle with CJ, and he wraps his little arms around me, my heart just bursts. When Ella pulls herself up on my leg and says "mama" I want to squeeze her tight. But alas, my last baby does not like to snuggle....just like her mama. But it doesn't change how crazy I am about her!

I've always thought I've been quite emotional. First I thought it was because of my parents divorce, then thinking it was just puberty or all the boyfriends I had who put me thru hell. But, it's just me. I'm a nut when it comes to my feelings. They get hurt easily and I may forgive, but I NEVER FORGET. I shut people out when they walk all over me or are mean to me. I've always been that way, especially with people who I'm very close with. I'll never understand why people intentionally hurt each other.

Maybe in my next life I'll just come back as a leaf.