Monday, September 21, 2009


Loss is always such a hard thing to talk about. No matter who or what it's incorporates. It can be someone you know, or just someone you know of. It doesn't have to be a close loved one to feel loss or sadness.

I have had too much sadness and loss this summer. More than I've had in my lifetime already. And I know there is only more to come as I get older. I lost a dear friend's brother, who I was close with in high school. He was my prom date and a great person, someone I will always miss but hope to see again some day. I had another acquaintance from high school also lose her brother, again, making me want to hug my family members and baby brother tighter. Life is just too short.

Magellan was also informed that his grandfather probably wouldn't be around too much longer. He has a very bad heart and there is no longer anything they can do to fix it. Although I'm not close with his grandpa, it hurts me when it hurts someone I care about. To see their loss is like feeling it deep inside me as well.

The death of Patrick Swayze was devastating. Not in the same way of course, but it's sad to see a wonderful life lost. And although we will all pass on sometime in our life, to go sooner than you should is often times hard to grasp and make sense of.

Well, I have another friend who is currently dealing with loss. A different kind of loss that sometimes is more devastating. She found out a few days ago she was expecting her third child only to have that hope, wonder and excitement taken from her today. Some people will never know the loss of a pregnancy while others, including myself, know all too well how hard it is. Time sometimes makes it better, but it never goes away. There is never really anything anyone can say to make it easier, but I hope she can find the strength to keep her head up.

When Magellan and I suffered our loss it was 4 months before I got pregnant with Ella. It was a very hard thing to handle, you don't always know why. But, in my heart of hearts I firmly believe there is a reason for everything. Although I'm not a religious fanatic by any means, I believe there was a plan and Ella was given to me from God. She was the light at the end of that dark tunnel. The miscarriage didn't do wonders for our marriage either. I felt I couldn't talk to Magellan and he was afraid of what to say to me, out of fear of upsetting me. It was a vicious cycle, but thankfully we worked our way out of it. It was tough, but we learned how to talk about it and I learned that Magellan grieved just as hard as I did, only in a different way.

Its the hopes and dreams you had already laid out that get snatched away, along with the wonderment of what you did wrong. It took me a long time to get over that feeling; that I was to blame in some way. And maybe I was...maybe I didn't take care of myself very well at that point, maybe it wasn't the right time in our lives or maybe it just wouldn't have been a healthy baby. Who knows? I will never know. But it sure doesn't stop me from thinking where and what would that child be like? I don't let the thoughts consume me by any's just thoughts of what would have been. But when I catch myself wandering down that road, I often realize I wouldn't have Ella. I wouldn't be the better yet stronger woman I am today. And maybe Magellan and I wouldn't be where we are today.

To all those women who have suffered any type of loss, know that I understand. I grieve every time I hear about one b/c I know how bad it hurts. And how for a bit, just a bit, you feel as if you can't go on.


JB said...

I feel like we are so much closer now then we were back then but, even so--when I found out you had lost the baby,I felt awful for you and your family. I never knew what to say and even when you've talked about it now, I have felt worried about it upsetting you. Hearing you talk about it in this way now makes me understand you and what happens to a couple during a time like that so much more. I could never relate to what it felt like but I feel like having Ella has made all of it come full circle for you. I can't imagine you without her now. Life is funny that way I guess.

crazy good writing by the way. <3 you.

The Fearless Formula Feeder said...

I am so glad you posted on my blog so that I could find yours. This blog kicks ass.

I really appreciated this entry, especially. I dealt with pregnancy loss and the loss of a friend around the same time, and I totally agree with what you said about how going through any type of loss makes you more sensitive to other people's losses, no matter what kind. It's a tiny, but real, silver lining.

So good to "meet" you. :)Oh and btw, this is "The Recovering Actress"; my other blog is my "google identity" so that's what shows up here!