Saturday, November 21, 2009

A fork in the road

It seems I've come to a fork in the road. The road of my life that is. And I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. There are a lot of things that are affected by my decision. And I guess the decision is not entirely mine either.

I feel as though I've lost Magellan. Not like a dog where I would put up signs for rewards and things, but we've hit a major bump in our road of marriage.

I suppose it stems back to the fact that I stay at home now. It's always an argument in our house, that he seems to think I don't do enough, I think he doesn't help enough and blah, blah, blah. Any mother may know what I'm talking about. You don't have to be a stay at home mom to understand it. I got the same crap when I worked full time, only this time the argument is more frequent and Magellan can sometimes be vicious with his words.

Today I'm fat and lazy.

Yes, you read that right. I'm fat. I can still fit into a small size and yet I'm still considered fat in Magellan's book. He claims I've let myself go. Well, maybe I have. Maybe I still have my wider child-bearing hips, or love handles, or some saggy skin but this is me. I birthed two children, not an easy fete. When I have the time I do my sit ups, I take the kids for a walk but really the secret is I love to eat. And I'm an emotional eater. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat (typically chocolate!), and when I'm really happy I eat. It's hard. I've never had an issue with my weight until I had Ella. Let's face it, I'm fast approaching the dirty 3-0, and I ain't getting any younger! My body just doesn't respond in the same way. I'm just too tired most days to really care or do anything.

I do just about everything around the house. And some days I just get plain sick and tired of it. I get tired of making meals, changing poopy diapers, wiping my son's ass, washing clothes, cleaning up my messy (but cute!) daughter, cleaning up the dog's mess, feeding the cats, cleaning the cats toilets, vacuuming, wiping counters....the list goes on. Some days I just feel like I don't want to get out of bed.

I feel too routine. I need to break it up.

So, right now Magellan is in the dog house, and I wish that was literal! I don't get to relax until after 8p every night, and mind you my day starts around 6am. Some days I long to work again, I have even filled an application or two. But, here I sit still. You would think come the weekends, I would get more help, I would get more understanding from Magellan. But no....and I still have yet to figure out what's up his ass.

And do know, I'm taking a huge leap of faith here, spilling my guts, but it feels good to get it out. I'm hoping maybe even for some advice too!!

I know I'm not lazy and fat, but gosh darn it all! It still hurts just the same. Sometimes it doesn't really even hurt me cause I'm just so immune to it. Magellan just speaks his mind when he gets mad and doesn't really care who he hurts in the long run. I usually don't argue or say a word, I continue to go about my business. But lately, I just can't let that continue to happen. Though I love him, I need him to change.

I need his help. I feel I should not always ask for it. Magellan says I need to. Why are some men such idiots in this department? I should not HAVE to ask you to help me out. Especially when I'm sick, or it's been a hard day with the kids. I should not have to ask a man to be a father to his kids when he comes home from work.

Have I mentioned this before to Magellan? Yes, I most certainly have. As I wrote above, we always seem to have this conversation and it's always me saying the same thing. I need more support, more help and don't want to hear the bullshit when I want to go out to dinner with my girlfriends once a month.

So for now, things are somewhat tame at home. Magellan helped an awful lot this morning (now it's Sunday, it's taken me a long time to write this), it won't last though. It never does. He'll go back to his old routine and in another few weeks when I'm not feeling good, or PMS'ing or just plain exhausted, we'll fight about it again. I have actually mentioned the dreaded S and D words. But only to deaf ears. Magellan's pride would never allow him to get a divorce.

But mine will. My pride does not stand in my way anymore. I feel some days I've been unhappy far too long.

Who knows? Maybe he will read this and get a clue.

Or not.


Anonymous said...

Well I hope it gets better, you have such a beautiful family. I understand your feelings though. I just think their brains don't function in a proper manner. I have the same problem with my "Hunter" (lol), not helping at all. I get home from work do dinner do the dishes put the food away all while he is on the couch. When I ask him to give the monster a bath, I may have just asked for his left leg. Geesh. I am lucky though, according to him anyway, cause I "get to" go grocery shopping once a week. So much fun, I kick my heels together before I enter the store. lol. Where do they come up with this crap?? I hope I at least gave you a smile. Hang in there slim. Love an miss ya lots. ~Ker

Queenb said...

haha you sure did give me a laugh girl! I miss commisarating with you at work. I have heard the comment about at least I get to do grocery shopping alone or whatever. As if that is real time alone, eh? You're right. Their brains do NOT function properly. At least your hunter and my magellan.

Mind Of Mindi said...

Marriage sucks! haha! I actually divorced my husband-can you believe that? After 9 years of marriage=we were divorced for less than a year when I realized I made a mistake. Marriage is not for everyone that's for sure! I'm very lucky to have a man that may not understand me all the time (ok most the time) but he never makes me feel ugly or worthless. You are beautiful! And if he can't see that then he's making a big mistake. I'd say do counselling but I know how hard it is to find a good doctor and then how much money it costs! The key to any marriage is communication. Good luck to you-you need a get away or something then he will realize what he's missing out on! :)

~aj~ said...

Oh gosh, Lindsay...this is some serious stuff.

Would marriage counseling ever be an option? Every marriage goes through it's rough patches (even though I adore my husband to pieces and seriously could not love him more than I do...we still went through a very difficult time a few years ago, something very few people know about). I think communication is extremely important and I hope that the 2 of you are able to work through this.

Patti said...

Hoping that things have gotten better since this was written. Men are SO oblivious and they get to clock in and out at work and that is their part. Women are expected to do everything else and that can be far more difficult then working at times. I would really recomend that you guys look into counseling. Sometimes when an issue is so deep you really need a third party to help you see where each other is coming from. I am speaking from experience. Your husband calling you names is uncalled for but may just be because of frustrations...I have said some pretty mean things out of anger to my husband before. :( Praying tht you will be able to work through this and cling to the love that brought you together in the first place!