Sick as a dog

Yup, I'm sick as a dog. I caught whatever crap Magellan had. I've just about lost any voice I had today and the sinus pain has gotten worse. Luckily tho, I found some Amoxocillian in the medicine cabinet from this past March and I'm going to take it and see if it helps. If not, to the dr I go!

So, sick as a dog I sit here and blog, LOL. I didn't blog yesterday and I don't like too much time to go by not blogging b/c then it's just playing catch up and that gets boring for me.

We did not have our playdate yesterday. I was just too sick. I slept like shit, thank you Magellan, and napped every time Ella went down. Yes, it was Magellan's fault b/c he woke me up at 5am to tell me to keep the cats quiet. Um, the cats are in the basement, not really sure how I was going to master that one, but I went downstairs to see if they needed food/water. Which of course they did, so I fed them and hoped they would be quiet. Sadly for me I didn't go back to sleep, and naturally Magellanw as snoring away when I came back upstairs. Figures! I can't wait til Star needs to go outside at 3am and take a shit b/c paybacks are a bitch!

So, I've had my glass of wine, even tho I'm sick as a dog, took all my drugs since I'm a pill popper and now I'm hoping to drift off into lala land!

Goodnight!

Productive?

It was another busy weekend for us. And can you believe it's already November??

First off, Happy Birthday Pee Wee! He celebrated his 23rd on Saturday. I was nice enough to allow Magellan to go out drinking with the boys. Of course he kept me awake from about 330a on b/c he not only stunk like a freaking brewery, but also coughed up half his lung too. He's still nursing a cold that sadly, he passed along to me. And mine ALWAYS turn into sinus infections. In fact, I can feel some pretty horrendous sinus pain as I type.

Friday I hung with one of my dear friends who came up from Corning to visit me. She really helped me to relax and it took my mind off of the recent drama in my life. Actually she drove up Thursday night and we went to dinner and laughed and joked and it was awesome. I did take CJ, but he was so well behaved I couldn't have asked for a better night. Then we shared a bottle of Relax and just poured our hearts out. It felt good, I haven't done that in a long time. And what a great person to share things with b/c she is so not judgemental, but gives her honest opinion and I always appreciate that. Friday we went to the mall and just window shopped. Well, mainly I did. Jenn was a on a shoe mission and did get a pair. Me, well, I don't shop for myself really anymore...just the kids. I got Ella an adorable pea coat from Gap and some cute shirts for next winter. Yes, I am already buying for next year....if you recall she is already set for the rest of this winter, spring and summer. I just pray she doesn't hit some abnormal growth spurt, LOL.

Friday night CJ stayed at my parents, and had a great time. My mom said he was very well behaved and they even made brownies together. Saturday we went to Magellan's parents on Honeoye Lake. I love going there when everyone is there. I love being around family, and that always takes my mind off of things too. We had a yummy ham dinner, and Ella and cousin Chase got to spend some quality time together. It's always fun seeing her interact with someone her own size!

CJ had another sleepover (with Magellan's parents tho) and they took him to the Bounce House this morning while Ella and I took an impromptu trip to the outlet mall. It's about an hour away and I had to get Magellan some special lotion that I've only been able to find there. And it was an excuse to get out of the house and also visit the Carters store and the Gymboree Outlet.

We found Magellan's lotion, and I bought Ella's Thanksgiving Day outfit, and one Christmas outfit. She needs one more, LOL! But it was still a productive day b/c I found a ton of great deals at the Gymboree outlet. And it doesn't bother me in the least bit that the clothes are all last season. I actually like those older lines a lot more than most of the newer ones. Shockingly enough, Ella did fantastic for someone who can't stand to be confined. Ever since I bought her new stroller, a Peg Perego (which BTW, I highly recommend this stroller over any one!), she has been an angel in it. It has the freedom of movement harness and this keeps her from feeling so confined. Although I will admit, I should've gone to Gymboree first b/c they had an awesome sale going on and it was our last stop. By then she had had enough and was exhausted. But I still got a bunch of things for her that are too cute. I will make her model them later this week maybe and post pics!

No more family drama as of just yet. I'm hoping it just dies down and disappears altogether, but I highly doubt that. That is not how that side of the family works!

CJ has school tomorrow, we may have a play date depending on how well I feel, and then he has Gym class. My mom is hoping to get out of work on time and surprise CJ at gym class and watch him. He will be so excited. But I haven't said anything yet just in case of the off chance she gets stuck at work late. That would suck, and he would be so disappointed.

Well, I suppose that's it. I'm hoping to go to bed early tonight b/c I'm exhausted.

Oh, and Ella is a walking fiend. She walks every where now and is so good. She's only been walking for about 2 weeks and already she has mastered it. She is practically running! And she loves this recent stage she has conquered.

Night all!

Blood is not always thicker than water

Well, at least in my case it isn't.

Sadly, I've been putting off blogging for almost a week now. It's so not like me to avoid putting my thoughts "on paper". But, so much has gone on I've actually been trying to avoid the pain. And as you know from my very last post, the pain is the decision I've been forced to deal with as of late, which is my bio dad who is dying of jaw cancer.

A lot has happened in almost a week. I got some really crappy messages on facebook from my bio dad's family. Blaming me for a relationship we never even had, or could of had b/c he was never a father to me or my brothers. They are mad that he missed out on so much with us kids, and with my children as well. But, last time I checked, during the very tender years I was still seeing my bio dad, he never made an effort to show or tell me that he really gave a shit about us. And last I checked he was THE ADULT. You can't and shouldn't blame a child for your own shortcomings as a parent. Unfortunately, that is just how my BD always has been. He's a drunk, a mean one at that, an abuser, and an enabler. He physically, emotionally and verbally abused my mom in front of us kids for 13 years. He abused my older brother who is mentally disabled, all b/c he wasn't considered "normal". Nice father, eh?

And can you even believe I had one cousin post a note on my wall on facebook telling me I was too young to remember everything and I was being arrogant about this whole situation? Ok, I was 10 when my parents divorced, I was NOT too young to remember most of what my BD put us thru. He harassed my mom after she left, kidnapped my baby brother to force my mom to come back to him, told me I wasn't his daughter and he didn't love me the way he loved my other half sisters.....he was an asshole plain and simple. And of course I don't expect anyone but my mom or brothers to know this. I don't expect my BD to have been actually open and honest with his family about what an asshole he was to his own flesh and blood.

Which brings me to my post title....I have a dad. A dad who has been there for me every step of my life and children's lives for the last 16 years. He is everything I had always hoped for in a dad and grandfather. He is what everyone should hope for in a parent. He treats me like he cares, like I'm his own. And he's never verbally or emotionally abused me. Not once. That is how it should be between a father and his children. Not the way I grew up for 14 years, until I cut the cord from my bio dad. I just couldn't live that way anymore..constantly feeling like I trash, like he didn't care, just like I wasn't good enough. For years I struggled with who I was, and if I ever really mattered to people. And now, after all these years, all that pain and struggling just comes back to me. From people who have NO clue what my life was like with my bio dad.

Blood does not run thicker than water in my case. The water I have now is stronger than that blood tie.
I am the exception to the rule, and I don't care who doesn't like it.

Right now, I have decided I am not going to see my bio dad. He doesn't deserve it. I have a sinking, disgusting feeling that he is the same man he always was...hard, bitter, mean and unfeeling. I'm sure he'll just take that opportunity if he does see me to just punish me for not being around for the last 15 years. I will not subject myself to his abuse any more. I don't have to. I have my own family and I need to be strong for them, and that is what is most important to me.

Not someone who doesn't and has never given a damn about me or my brothers.

So sue me, send me to hell b/c I'm not rushing to a dying man's side. I can live with my decision right now.

Because where was he when I was suffering? When I graduated high school, graduated college, lost a good friend in a horrific car crash, lost my cousin and an uncle, lost my grandma, lost a child and went thru an abusive relationship? He was probably at the bar. Because all he ever cared about was himself. Everything was always about him.

Feel bad for him b/c he doesn't see any of his 6 kids. Feel bad for him b/c he can't pay his bills while he chooses not to work. Feel bad for him b/c he's sick, feel bad for him b/c he doesn't have anyone to go home to at night.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I lived a horrible life with my bio dad. He hurt me beyond belief, a child should never be made to feel like nothing. A parent should never tell there child they don't love them as much as they used to.

A child should never be blamed for their parents' divorce.

This is me, brutally honest, and it helps to get this off my chest. I've kept so much bottled in for so many years, but what really pisses me off is people who don't know me, think they do. They think they have a clue as to the hurt and pain I've been put thru. They think they have some sort of predisposed idea of what my bio dad was like, when in truth they don't know.

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

To all my friends who support any decision I make, thank you. You mean the world to me.

To those people who don't support any decision I make, well, you're not my friend so I don't care.

Oh and P.S...the pictures above are of the man whom I call "DAD" and has been a part of my life since I was fourteen. This is how it should be.

A hard decision

Some of you may know that I haven't seen/talked to my bio dad in almost 15 years. For reasons that I won't go into, he's never been a nice man. He doesn't know Magellan, or CJ or Ella. Heck, he doesn't even know me anymore....

Sadly, I found out today he is dying of jaw cancer. There is a small possibility they can try a bone graft, but they don't know if he's a good candidate or not yet. Should he not be, he probably has 6 months to live.

I don't know how to feel at this exact moment. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. It's very hard, I'm feeling a ton of emotions right now. Sad, mad, angry, let down, confused.

This is a man that never really wanted much to do with me after my parents divorced 20 years ago, but I'm still a part of him. He's my father, and I guess it's ok to feel sad about a life being lost. Part of me wants to see him, part of me feels I should, that it's the right thing to do. But part of me remembers how mean and abusive he was to me. I almost feel he doesn't deserve to know me or my family now.

I don't know....it will all sort itself out in the end I suppose.

Halloween follow up, time change, busy week, what else??

Yes, I am finally back to upload pics of the kids' Halloween and fill you in on that crappy thing someone invented called "The time change." Officially, I HATE IT!

Here are some pics of the kids on Halloween trick or treating with on my best friends, that I've known since high school!

As you can see from the pictures CJ is Optimus Prime, the Transformer and our sweet Ella was a ladybug. Both had an awesome time trick or treating, not that Ella got any candy or even ate any for that matter, but CJ's pumpkin head was jammed full! I've enjoyed some of his candy LOL!

So, let's just say the time change did not go over well in this house. Stupid me, I thought if I kept Ella up a bit later she would sleep just fine. Well Miss Thang had other ideas of her own. She didn't go to bed until about 830p, which is 2 hours later than normal and we had such a busy night, with tons of fresh air while we walked around. The fresh air typically does the trick for her but oh no! She was going to show me who was boss. At 515am on Sunday she was up and so NOT ready for the day. She was cranky and miserable until I put her down for a nap around 8am. Which might I add, is way too early. Her entire day was thrown off of course. She slept for an hour, was a bit more pleasant but then she passed out around noon for her afternoon nap. Once again, not a good thing b/c she doesn't usually go down til about 2pm. I was starting to feel worn out myself, seeing that I had been up with no break from Magellan since 515am. Our sump pump shit the bed and he was messing around with that all morning. Then come afternoon he HAD to watch the crappy Bills and do an estimate. I took it all in stride tho and did the best I could considering life could be worse, right? Ella just couldn't take it any longer around 6p so she took her night time bottle and passed right out. She woke up once around 930p I think and then didn't make a peep until almost 630a! So we are almost back on track. I'm super excited about that.

The time change didn't affect CJ at all, but then again, it never did, even when he was a baby. Funny b/c he's the child who still to this day hates to sleep or nap.

I fell asleep with CJ on the couch around 745p watching Madagascar 2, then crawled up the stairs at 9p to go to sleep for the night. And even tho Magellan AND CJ knew how tired I was and how long of a day it was, they still bothered me when I was trying to sleep. Never fails, it always happens that way. Mommy has to help/fix everything.

And yes, it is a busy week also. CJ has school and gym class today, I have to clean tomorrow morning for 3 hours, take Ella to get her flu shot, go to CJ's school conference Thursday night, Ella and I have a play date with her boyfriend Colin on Friday and then Magellan is making me take the kids to an H1N1 flu clinic at their pediatrician's office Saturday morning. I thought it was a silly idea at first, but EVERYONE is getting sick around us right now. I do not want either kid, particularly Ella, getting the swine flu. CJ had Rotavirus at 2 years old and spent 3 days in the hospital. A very scary time for me b/c he was so little. I would love to NOT relive anything like that with Ella. Hopefully we won't have to wait too terribly long to get the vaccine for the kids.

Next week is also a very filled week for us. I won't talk about it now. Why do I do this to myself? Oh yeah, cause it breaks up my days and makes them go by faster, that's why.

Say a prayer for Baby Stellan (http://www.mycharmingkids.net/). Pay a visit to the site, he's very sick right now, just had his first birthday and I would love to see him get better again.

Thanks for reading!!

Happy Halloween!

I am SO worn out from today! Glad it's over, the weather sucked, but I had an awesome with one of my very good friends. Both kids had a blast, and I have some pics to share with you all, but tonight is not the night.

I have my glass of wine and I'm ready to watch a scary movie and pass out.

Please pray my evil daughter does not wake up at 6am after the time change. I am quite nervous about it! I did put her bed 2 hours later than normal, so here's hoping!

Good night all! Hope you all had a wonderful Halloween!!!

**blows kiss**

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