Friday, November 6, 2009

Blood is not always thicker than water

Well, at least in my case it isn't.

Sadly, I've been putting off blogging for almost a week now. It's so not like me to avoid putting my thoughts "on paper". But, so much has gone on I've actually been trying to avoid the pain. And as you know from my very last post, the pain is the decision I've been forced to deal with as of late, which is my bio dad who is dying of jaw cancer.

A lot has happened in almost a week. I got some really crappy messages on facebook from my bio dad's family. Blaming me for a relationship we never even had, or could of had b/c he was never a father to me or my brothers. They are mad that he missed out on so much with us kids, and with my children as well. But, last time I checked, during the very tender years I was still seeing my bio dad, he never made an effort to show or tell me that he really gave a shit about us. And last I checked he was THE ADULT. You can't and shouldn't blame a child for your own shortcomings as a parent. Unfortunately, that is just how my BD always has been. He's a drunk, a mean one at that, an abuser, and an enabler. He physically, emotionally and verbally abused my mom in front of us kids for 13 years. He abused my older brother who is mentally disabled, all b/c he wasn't considered "normal". Nice father, eh?

And can you even believe I had one cousin post a note on my wall on facebook telling me I was too young to remember everything and I was being arrogant about this whole situation? Ok, I was 10 when my parents divorced, I was NOT too young to remember most of what my BD put us thru. He harassed my mom after she left, kidnapped my baby brother to force my mom to come back to him, told me I wasn't his daughter and he didn't love me the way he loved my other half sisters.....he was an asshole plain and simple. And of course I don't expect anyone but my mom or brothers to know this. I don't expect my BD to have been actually open and honest with his family about what an asshole he was to his own flesh and blood.

Which brings me to my post title....I have a dad. A dad who has been there for me every step of my life and children's lives for the last 16 years. He is everything I had always hoped for in a dad and grandfather. He is what everyone should hope for in a parent. He treats me like he cares, like I'm his own. And he's never verbally or emotionally abused me. Not once. That is how it should be between a father and his children. Not the way I grew up for 14 years, until I cut the cord from my bio dad. I just couldn't live that way anymore..constantly feeling like I trash, like he didn't care, just like I wasn't good enough. For years I struggled with who I was, and if I ever really mattered to people. And now, after all these years, all that pain and struggling just comes back to me. From people who have NO clue what my life was like with my bio dad.

Blood does not run thicker than water in my case. The water I have now is stronger than that blood tie.
I am the exception to the rule, and I don't care who doesn't like it.

Right now, I have decided I am not going to see my bio dad. He doesn't deserve it. I have a sinking, disgusting feeling that he is the same man he always was...hard, bitter, mean and unfeeling. I'm sure he'll just take that opportunity if he does see me to just punish me for not being around for the last 15 years. I will not subject myself to his abuse any more. I don't have to. I have my own family and I need to be strong for them, and that is what is most important to me.

Not someone who doesn't and has never given a damn about me or my brothers.

So sue me, send me to hell b/c I'm not rushing to a dying man's side. I can live with my decision right now.

Because where was he when I was suffering? When I graduated high school, graduated college, lost a good friend in a horrific car crash, lost my cousin and an uncle, lost my grandma, lost a child and went thru an abusive relationship? He was probably at the bar. Because all he ever cared about was himself. Everything was always about him.

Feel bad for him b/c he doesn't see any of his 6 kids. Feel bad for him b/c he can't pay his bills while he chooses not to work. Feel bad for him b/c he's sick, feel bad for him b/c he doesn't have anyone to go home to at night.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I lived a horrible life with my bio dad. He hurt me beyond belief, a child should never be made to feel like nothing. A parent should never tell there child they don't love them as much as they used to.

A child should never be blamed for their parents' divorce.

This is me, brutally honest, and it helps to get this off my chest. I've kept so much bottled in for so many years, but what really pisses me off is people who don't know me, think they do. They think they have a clue as to the hurt and pain I've been put thru. They think they have some sort of predisposed idea of what my bio dad was like, when in truth they don't know.

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

To all my friends who support any decision I make, thank you. You mean the world to me.

To those people who don't support any decision I make, well, you're not my friend so I don't care.

Oh and P.S...the pictures above are of the man whom I call "DAD" and has been a part of my life since I was fourteen. This is how it should be.


Dawn said...

Good for you Lindsay. I am just sorry you have to even go through this at all. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if you didn't even know.

And it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks or is your life, your past, your decision. Close family and friends can only offer guidance and support but only you can decide what's right for you.

I hope and pray your decision eases your pain and you can officially move on.

You have a dad...the dad your kids know as Grandpa.

Chell said...

Ifound your blog through blogfrog - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I pray you continue to stay strong and continue to work through this - sounds like you are on the right path. I would have a difficult time walking in your shoes.... I can say I would probably do the exact same thing. Yes it is sad that the man is terminally ill...but that doesn't mean everyone needs to rush to his side and fake feelings that are not there. My daughter has not seen her "father" in over 7 years. In our eyes, her step-dad is her "real dad". He is the one that is there for her.... and that is what is more important.

JB said...

glad you got to say these things. my favorite thing about you has always been that you are never afraid to be honest about anything and everything because you are a really strong person and you are going to raise amazing kids because of the woman you've become. i am really happy to know you and call you my friend and you know i'm there if you need me.

Queenb said...

Thanks girls for your encouragement and support. It means a lot!

Patti said...

I agree with the title of your post whole heartedly. I hope that you are able to have peace about this situation and I think you are smart for protecting your heart from being hurt. YOUR family is your priority now. Take care of yourself. :)

~aj~ said...

I'm so sorry for all the horrible things you experienced in your childhood....but am so happy that you aren't continuing the cycle and have created one amazing family.

I agree with Patti...your family is your priority now.


Queenb said...

Thank you AJ and Patti! I have to protect my family and my heart. If I can't be strong, my babies won't be!