Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My annual...trip to the OB that is

This is the by far the first funny post I've posted in awhile. And damn it feels good to do so! I need some laughter in my life right now. And I'm sure some of you do too, and today you are going to get it.

So last week I had my annual visit at my OB's office. I typically dread these visits b/c my usual Dr is VERY slow, has a horrible bed side manner and is hard to understand with her Jamaican accent. And she never really answers the questions I have either. Well, lucky me, this time the secretary actually asked me who I wanted to see! Of course I gave her my two options and I got my second choice...good old Dr R. He is funny, always on time, doesn't beat around the bush and answers any questions very thoroughly in layman terms. Even I can understand that!

This time I opted to take Ella and CJ with me. I know, just shoot me now right? I'm a brave soul, eh? Magellan had a meeting so that option was out. I hate to overwhelm my dad with other requests, when he already watches the kids while I clean part time, and that week he had watched both kids the day before, and would be watching Ella that Friday while I had a salon appt. So, I didn't even bother asking b/c I hate to over do it. Anyway, the kids ate lunch before we went, and amazingly enough we didn't have to wait too long before my name was called in the waiting room. Oh, and we managed to get there on time. A huge fete for me!

Now comes the fun parts!

First, I had to do the usual pee in a cup drill. And naturally CJ was all up in my face saying, "Why are you peeing in a cup, mom? How do you do that?" I explained it's so they can make sure I'm healthy and it's really not all that difficult. Well, then he wanted to use the cups to drink out of and put HIS name on it. Nope, sorry Charlie. You do not have to do that kind of stuff just yet.

So, out we go to the height/weight room. They took my weight, which I will NOT reveal. I thought by now I would weigh less. Nope....guess I've had one too many bowls of ice cream at night. Time to go back to using the WII Fit. My fat ass can't get any more fatter. Well, actually, it could if I don't get some sort of exercise during the winter season. Seems like all I want to do is eat. *mmmmmm*, matter of fact I just finished a hot fudge sundae...

On to the finger prick part. CJ just about fainted when he realized what the nurse had done to me. And said, "Ooh, did that hurt? Can I see the blood?" Course by then there was no more blood, but his eyes got so wide when he saw the nurse squeeze my finger and put the blood on the slide. Haha, if he only knew this was not the worst of it.

Into the examining room we go, all the nurses and Dr's oohing and aahing over the kids. Miss Ella sure gave them something to ooh about. As soon as someone would get close, she'd either blow a raspberry at them or roll her eyes. She is a character all right. Keeping her quiet in the exam room was much harder than I thought. She really just wanted to get down like her big brother and run around. She wanted nothing to do with her snacks, drink or toys I brought. Finally, after I had gotten all hot and sweaty Dr R came in, rubbing my back and saying hi, and all I can think about is "Good lord, I'm as hot as a freaking furnace and sweating buckets, and he just touched my back." Oh, and it was also the week of my waxing so I was as hairy as a damn Orangutan!! I should have at least thought that part out a bit better. Next time I will NOT schedule my annual when my pits are so damn hairy. Men, no matter if they are a Dr or not, will never get it. Sorry men!

Now it's time for the fun part. You know, where you get opened like a Thanksgiving Day turkey but without the stuffing part. Well, sort of. I almost forgot about the kids being there b/c I was too busy worrying about how I was going to keep my hairy armpits covered when Dr R says, "So, do you want your Junior OB over here to sit by your head, or just do a lot of explaining on the way home?" God, I love that man!

Nope, did not opt for the explaining part. I told CJ to come hold my hand cause I was nervous, and of course he didn't fall for that. He kept saying, "Momma, what's he gonna do to you down there?" I said, "Oh just make sure I'm healthy and do the exam and then we can go." I saw him try and sneak a peak as to what Dr R was doing, and what kind of contraptions he was using. I was DEF sweating now. I was afraid CJ would get bold and just hop over the table and take a look at my hoo-hoo and everything. Thank God he didn't!

Finally it's done, and Dr R precedes to tell me I can no longer be on the pill b/c I get auras with my migraines, and apparently, it puts me at a huge risk for a stroke. Glad my other Dr never told me that! So, he allowed me to get a new Rx for my current med but with one refill so I'm forced to get a new form of birth control. I told him I have a new form, and it involves a man and his wee-wee getting the axe. I am STILL waiting on you, Magellan!!!

I get the kids in the car, both are ready for a nap by now, but so am I! Good lord, who would've thought going to the OB could be considered a cardiovascular workout? CJ says to me, "Momma, what was wrong with your butt anyway? Did the Dr hurt your butt?"

After laughing to myself for about an hour I told CJ it was just an exam, its part of life and no my butt does not hurt. So he proceeds to say,

"Daddy said you had to go to the butt doctor b/c you're so stinky. Is that true?"

Have a fantastic night!!!


Nicole said...

Hahhahahahhahahhahah! I will never again go the gyno with out giggling about your fun time!

Queenb said...

Well thanks. I will never again take my kids!!!

~aj~ said...

Too funny!

Adam told Matt this the other day. "I really love my mama sometimes. It's just too bad she's so stinky." WTH?!?!

I too get aurus with my migraines, but never heard there was a problem taking the pill because of that. Interesting...

Oh and now I want a hot fudge sundae. :)

Queenb said...

Aj, CJ is always saying that I'm stinky. I don't get it!!! I am NOT stinky, lol. Must be a boy thing. Yay, the thing with auras and migrains...I'm gonna have to do some more research on that. I have never heard of it and neither had my mom who suffers from migraines also.