Monday, December 28, 2009

This bites

I have never typed so slow in my life, and now I have to pick and peck. HATE THAT!

I hate leaving you all out of the loop and not being able to make you laugh. Bu only two more weeks of scaphoid hell.

Our Christmas was great, busy, but so much fun at the same time. Ella was such a good girl considering all the excitement and late nights she had. She's been sleeping like shit anyways so quite honestly it just couldn't get much worse! But, CJ loved everything he got, and as usual he was spoiled rotten by everyone around him. Ella got some really fun things. Two of her faves so far are her Elmo purse (which is to DIE for!), and herpink monster truck. She just loves her monster trucks. She has 5 or 6 now I think.

I got a laptop from Magellan. I've been asking for one for almost a year because Magellan is ALWAYS on the computer at home for work and it drove me crazy to not be able to check my email and facebook every day. I'm absolutely addicted to both, LOL! Anyway, it was an awesome gift and the only thing I got, natch.

So tomorrow is D Day in my house. It's my 30th birthday *gasp*! I am so NOT looking forward to it. I mean, turning 25 was bad enough, but 30! YIKES! Sadly, Magellan is out of town for work, but my mom is taking me out to breakfast, and then going to see this HUGE Barbie exhibit at our local museum. I can't wait b/c they have all the old Barbie's and stuff and that should be neat to see. Then my wonderful sissy in law is coming over later that day to make me a cake and dinner. She is a fantastic cook!! I am excited to see what she comes up with. Then maybe Wednesday night my good friend since high school wants to treat me to Red Lobster. Can you say YYUUUMMM???? Then I'm sure Magellan and I will do dinner or a movie or something this weekend after he comes home from New Paltz.

So that's all I can stand typing. My wrist is killing me. Hopefully there aren't too many typos or misspellings!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm here

Yes I'm here. I'll be taking a break, sorry! I know you are all heartbroken, but we have had the sickies in our house recently, and I broke my wrist falling on the ice. Here's my pretty xmas present!

It hurts like hell and I have to somehow manage to wrap presents like this. Although it's a short cast it covers almost all but a small part of my thumb to keep those bones immobilized completely or it won't heal right. UGH! Did I mention it suck? It is SO hard to do things. Thankfully tho the dr gave me some Vicodin, and I'm glad I asked for it, b/c it hurts way worse now than before. I'm sure when the dr did the physical exam and just about popped my thumb out of the joint, that didn't help too much, but this sucks.

So I have a nice pretty cast on for Xmas, my birthday AND New Years.

Thank you very much Santa.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Ella and Colin sittin' in a tree....

Yup, I've gone and married my sweet, evil daughter off!

I believe in arranged marriages, LOL! Not really, but this one was just meant to be.

My good friend, Emily, and I grew up together. I met her when I first moved to the 'burbs from the country. I was 10....I won't even say how many years it's been, but it's been a lot. We lost touch for a few years, you know those crazy busy college years and such, but found each other on Facebook. I couldn't have been more excited because I love my Emily. We laugh so much when we're together and it's like we never missed a beat. And her son is just the cutest, funniest guy ever!! He makes me pee my pants every time we hang out. Oh, and he adores Ella. The way they interact just melts my heart. Ella would pick up one of her many balls and try to sprint over to Colin to share with him. They even share snacks, and toothbrushes! It was meant to be!

Ella and Colin first met when they were about 8 months old, I believe. I'm thinking it was right about the time Ella came down with Roseola and I can remember thinking that Emily would never want us over again, what with Ella being so sick and miserable and I happened to have CJ with me that day too. You all know how it is with a kid in a new place. He got into literally everything and kept wanting to have a tour of Emily's house. It was rather obnoxious to be perfectly honest.

But, such was not the case. We try to get together at least once a month, and the kids never miss a beat. They open right up to each other and it's so cute watching them interact with each other as they get older. I love it, it's almost like having twins but without all the work. Ella and Colin even have birthdays very close together. Ella's is 10/12, and Colin's is 10/30 (I hope that's right...I know it's very close to Halloween!).

So enjoy the photos from our recent playdate. They are adorable!

The toothbrush photo!

Colin was still a little shy here, but at least he's half faking a smile for me!

Em getting down and dirty with the couple!
Ella ripped her cute ponytail out and was clapping for herself!

Colin dancing to the music table.

Still playing with the music table....

Playing with CJ's cars...ssshh don't tell CJ!
Checking out the tow truck while Ella was getting into the WII.

*I happen to love this pic (the one above). They are so in sync they even color coordinate, both wearing a different shade of green for their date!!!

Playing ball.

Em playing with Ella's sunglasses....Ella thought it was great!

Colin playing with the balls again....these are a hit at this age.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

End of week update

Phew, what a freaking week it's been. If I could say the "F" word and not feel guilty that you all were reading and some might be offended, I sure as heck would. I am so glad that week is over. Ella is bound and determined to start doing naptime her way or the high way. Sadly, she has won a lot of those times. Today I let her fuss (or cry really) for an hour. Yes, my daughter-who-loves-to-sleep-so-I'll-sleep-13-hours-every-day did not want to end this wonderful, cheery week off with a nice long nap so mommy could spend quality time with Daddy. I actually gave in and let her have a bottle. *gasp*

She wanted nothing to do with it, and why should she? She never gets a bottle during the day anymore. I did away with that at least two months ago. She even looked at me like I was crazy. But at that point, I was probably was. Ella finally fell asleep only to wake up miserable an hour later. Daddy had taken his truck to get washed and Pee Wee came in to see the kids. He's been working with Magellan so he doesn't see Ella or CJ that much either. Ella sure was glad to see her Uncle tho. She sat quietly on his lap for a minute or two, which in Ella's world is an eternity!

But, she was so overtired and cranky that she only stayed up till about 6p. Yes, I sure did type that right....6p. I took her up at 530p actually. And she was about passing out in the rocking chair. She slept until about 10p, had some milk and is sleeping again. But all week long she's been fighting naps like no body's business. We might have to have a heart to heart next week while Magellan is gone though. I can't do days like that for too much longer. This whole week I'm lucky if I can get Ella to take one short nap, and I mean like 1/2 an hour nap. But, at least she goes to bed super early and is out till about 7am the next morning. I can do without the naps as long as my Diva keeps sleeping at night like that. Oh, and just when I discover another molar has come thru the gums, I see her damn canines coming in now too. UGH! Just get it over with already.

We had some real shitty weather this week. Snow, wind, freezing cold air, hail, sleet you damn well better name it. It showed up in my yard and I was not happy. But, at least Magellan was kind enough to clean out the garage for me last weekend before he left for work and I could park in the garage. What a godsend a garage is. Not having to scrape off the snow and's the best thing man ever invented. Well, sort of right?!

Magellan got home real late Thursday night, I was already sleeping sadly. I caught a half of a cold. And I say that b/c it consisted of a sore throat, post nasal drip and only hung around for 3 days. Now it's gone, thank God, but I sure was worn out by the end of the week. Sorry Magellan, I'm such a party pooper!

CJ and Ella were of course so excited to see Magellan. I thought Ella would crap her pants, she didn't want to leave his side for about an hour. And she kept looking at his face like she couldn't believe he was there. She's too sweet.

Today Daddy and CJ spent the better half the late morning and afternoon working, doing errands. Ella and I went shopping for my good friend's daughter's bday party tomorrow. It will be so much fun, I can't wait. And I love shopping for little girl's now!!! I can't wait to share pics of the kids with the other party goers. The best part about my day was the Garbage plate for dinner Magellan got me. I have been craving one for about 3 weeks now (NO I'm NOT preggo!). You have to know what I'm talking about to understand the insane craving. And it was SO good. So now that I have that out of the way, I can wait about 3 more months till my next one. Those of you who are clueless as to what one is, google it, and be sure to look at the images. Mmmmmm......I can smell it now.......

Ella had her last flu booster this week. Naturally she didn't give a rat's behind she got stabbed in the leg for the hundredth time this year. I'd almost think she likes it if she didn't yell at the nurse after all was said and done. Oh, and she had her consultation with her plastic surgeon for the cyst above her right eye. She's had it since she was about 3 months old, and it sure ain't getting any smaller. The dr said it DEF needs to be removed, otherwise it could get infected. And as much as it grows sticking out, it also grows inward, possibly pushing on her brow bone or skull. Lovely thoughtr eh? January 11Th is the day for the surgery. It will be a short procedure but unfortunately she will have to be under general anesthesia (did I even spell that right?). I'm nervous about that, but the sooner the better that it's all over and done with. We initially thought they could do an incision under her brow bone, but the cyst is not close enough for that. The only other option which would create less of a scar would be to cut along the hairline (the WHOLE hairline), pull the skin down and remove the cyst that. It will be sealed with dissolvable sutures, but I just don't like the idea of any of it. I hope it's over quick and is quite painless.

So, that's a wrap. It's late, I hope I didn't forget too many words. I have some pics of Ella's play date with her future hubby to share. They are too darn cute those two babies!

I'll let y'all know how the birthday party goes!


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tasteless Tuesdays....even though it's Wednesday!

I'm a slacker, but I've got a good excuse. Magellan is of course out of town working and it's been a hellish week so far with the kids. If I could commit myself to an insane asylum just for the weeks Magellan is gone, I SO WOULD. It would mean quiet, and time to myself. I might even eat better there, LOL!

So here is my Tasteless Tuesdays while I get a few minutes of "me time".

Courtesy of CJ:
"Mommy, my butt hurts from squeezing out the Queen. And she won't come out. Can you help?"

"Where's your wiener and how do you go pee?"

"Did Ella come out of your butt when you had her?"

"Daddy, what are those things hanging down by your boys?"

"Why is Star's poop so big, Mama?"

Courtesy of Miss Ella:
She was munching on a pickle today and suddenly decided she didn't want it anymore. I just so happened to be holding her when she wanted to get rid of it, and she dropped it down my shirt, between my boobs. And it was all slimey too.

I was feeding Ella Spaghetti for lunch one day and she took a big mouthful of it. Then she took it out of her mouth and ran her fingers thru her hair and laughed very wickedly at me b/c she knew I would be cleaning it up. She thought it was hysterical.

Ella decided she wanted yogurt melts for a snack (they are pieces of fruit with yogurt hardened over them) and ate a ton before I could grab the bag from her. As I picked her up she threw them up all over me. Smelled just wonderful too!

My mother picked up Ella the other day and it had been a few days since she had seen her, and doesn't Ella immediately start farting as my mom is holding her. And she waited until my mom had her hand placed on her bottom to hold her too. Then she giggled when my mom said, "Gee thanks Ella."

Saturday, December 5, 2009

New Me!

Friday, December 4, 2009

So Far So Good

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and say that for now the time away between Magellan and I helped. We had a nice heart to heart while he was gone and talked about a lot of our issues and for the first time in a long time it seems Magellan is open to change and helping out. When he can of course. It's going to be hard while he's busy doing the building in New Paltz but he actually got home way earlier than expected Thursday night and spent hours with me and the kids. And of course they ate it right up!

He was also kind enough to let my dad leave early today while watching Ella. I was cleaning in Mendon today and Magellan knew it would be kind of a late afternoon. Plus I had my monthly waxing appt. But, he sucked it up and hung with Ella and put her down for a nap. And even played with her for a bit after she got up, even though he had stuff to do. I'm proud of him to say the least. It's nice to see him interact with the kids, especially Ella b/c she so rarely gets to spend time with him b/c she goes to bed at 630p.

I was telling Magellan tonight that I had to update my blog....he says, "Oh, I have a good topic for you." Naturally, I rolled my eyes b/c I knew exactly what he was about to suggest. "You should write about what a good hubby I am."

So here I am...writing about how well behaved he's been. It's almost like dog obedience school for him. Haha, I kind of like how that sounded. I bet he won't.

I told him it would be nice to know his changes were going to be permanent before I blog about it, you know, just in case I jinx it. But here I am....updating you all. I've been much happier to say the least. And then he has to go and leave again...Monday morning to be exact, to go back to New Paltz.

*Sigh* Back to single mommy hood I suppose. At least next week is busy for me. I work two days next week, Ella has her consultation with the plastic surgeon and her last flu shot, and to round the week off right, we're going to my good friends daughter's second birthday party. I'm excited about that, I'm hoping Magellan will go. *hint, hint*

Tomorrow Magellan and I have a wedding to go to. I've never been to a wedding in the winter. And I'm actually super excited about it even though I won't know but like 10 people, if that even. I bought a new, pretty dress and can't wait to wear it, but the best part is I am FINALLY getting my hair colored! If you remember back to my post about my last appt in September, I have been waiting a long time to get it done. It SO needs it. I'll get Magellan to take some pics of it when all is said and done.

Oh, and the best part about my weekend is......the kids are having an overnight with Magellan's mom and step dad. How nice of them to watch the kids, especially overnight, while we go to the wedding. I'm psyched but I hope Ella sleeps well for them. CJ always does but you know Ella still has her moments where she wakes up at night and wants milk. Last night she was up 3x, but I'm going to guess she had a pretty good reason. The reason is molars. And no, the other 3 have still not broken thru the gums. UGH! I hate teething!!

So I suppose that's it. Well, actually I do have one more tid bit of into for you.

My older brother called me today to say that he talked my wicked witch of the west aunt. My biodad had skin graft surgery Tuesday for his cancer. They did a full body scan I guess and the cancer has not spread to his jaw bone like they had originally thought, it is only in his gums and skin in his mouth. So, they took some skin from his arm and grafted it to his gum/cheeks, and then took some skin from his leg and grafted that to fix his arm. He apparently has a hole in his throat (my brother didn't explain that to much to me, so I don't know if they did a trach on him or not). He also has staples from his ear down his neck from them opening him up to check the bone I think. So the lucky bastard will probably live another 20 years and continue to torture people.

At this point, I'm just glad I listened to my gut instinct and did not go see him. I have a feeling that if I had seen him b/c he thought he was dying, he would've done an entire 360 once he found out he was going to be alright. I'm sure he would've just went back to his old ways of being a spineless, abusing jerk.

I'm happy with my decision, but kind of pissed off at God for letting him defeat death.


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tasteless Tuesday

Last week's post was such a hit, I think I'll just keep grossing you all out with my funny kids.

Spoken very truthfully by my Bossy Transformer:

"Look Mom, I'm making my wiener dance!"
"I can't wear that sweater, it's disgusting."
"That's it, I'm moving out and you can't come with me!"
"I think last night a mosquito snuck in my room and bit me on my boys."
"I have to eat more raisins b/c they make my wiener grow."
*Yes, CJ is at the stage where he's obsessed with his boy case you couldn't tell!*

Funny things courtesy of my Ladybug:

Ella and I were in Wegmans the other day and she was munching on a cookie when an older gentleman stopped to say hi to her. She promptly took the cookie out of her mouth and offered it to the man. Of course he politely declined.

The other day Ella and CJ were in the bathtub. She was standing up holding on to the side jabbering away to me, when all of a sudden I saw her get up on her tippy toes. I laughed b/c it looked so funny and next thing I know CJ is yelling, "SHE'S POOPING!

We were at my in laws for Thanksgiving and I was letting Ella run around naked, airing herself out a bit. I usually let her do this at home before Jammie/bed time. She walked right into the bathroom and peed all over the floor...hey at least it was in the bathroom.

Ella has somehow managed to bypass the childproof locks on our bathroom drawers and was digging thru Magellan's drawer the other day. Next thing I know she's wandering around with his nose hair clippers (he'll love me for this one!). He of course thought it was gross, I thought it was funny that that was the object of choice!

I hate when Ella has raisins to eat....take a guess why? I don't think she chews them AT ALL.

Monday, November 30, 2009

We made it past the first day!

Aaaah, I am very slowly breathing a sigh of relief. Single motherhood isn't all that bad now, is it?

Magellan left very early this morning to go down to New Paltz (it's about 5 hours from us, near NYC) to start a new job there. Three other guys went, including Pee Wee. So, yes it's just me, the kids and the stinky animals. So far it's not as bad as I imagined. CJ is doing pretty good with listening and being good and Ella, well, she really hasn't a clue as to what's going on but she still had a pretty good day.

I was pretty nervous about having to drag her to CJ's gym class since she's usually all over the place and hard to keep from getting whiny since his class is from 630-730p, and we all know her bedtime is around 630p. But, today was the exception. She was so unbelievably good. I don't know where my Evil One went, but the angel popped by for a visit for an hour. She played with some of the other young toddlers and listened when I said "no" and shared very nicely. Which meant I got to enjoy watching CJ, well, some of the time. He did awesome as usual. When it really comes down to it, he has no fear of some of the things his teachers ask him to do. Tonight he did a forward roll on the balance beam and walked backwards on it as well. And when he did his jump off the beam and landed, he landed with the biggest smile ever b/c he knew I was watching him. Such a big boy! Can you believe the stinker is almost 5?

Man, I am getting old.

So, I'm hoping b/c Ella went to bed later than normal she will sleep in a bit. I was supposed to work tomorrow, but the woman I clean for is sick and in the hospital. It's a bit scary b/c she's a much older woman so I hope she's ok and can get out and back home real soon.

And I think we're supposed to get snow tomorrow!


And my garage isn't even cleaned out for me to park. I asked Magellan to please find time to clean it before he left and he just didn't have any spare time. Really, I can defend him on this one. He was far too busy all weekend long working on his truck, trailer, the lift and bobcat and packing to worry about such a silly thing. It still sucks either way, b/c that means if I venture out tomorrow I will have to break out the snow brush *shudders*.

So, Magellan will be home Thursday night hopefully, but then sadly, he will have to leave again Sunday night to go back to New Paltz. This will be the norm until the building is done, hopefully in six weeks. There's even talk of a job in Connecticut and/or one of the Carolina's. I don't think I'm liking this traveling husband sort of thing.

I guess that's about it. No other updates. No word on my bio dad, seems him and my wicked witch of the west aunt have fallen off the face of the earth.

And that's just fine with me.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


If you have a little one and LOVE giveaways as much as I do, check this one out:

This blog is so funny and I love to read her writing. Since I no longer, it's nice to live thru someone else who has a little one. And a cute girl at that!!
Check it out, you will enjoy it as much as I do!
See y'all tomorrow!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thanksgiving Day Collage

My handsome boy, who actually wore a long sleeved shirt for the occasion.

Papa and CJ hanging out after eating the main course.

Chase and Ella giving each other kisses goodbye!

Grammy playing with Ella.

Chase and Ella checking out each other's jammies.

The boys playing Super Mario on WII. Very into it as you can see.

Uncle Lee passed out after dinner..probably still hungover from the night before.

Uncle Bradley, Chase and CJ snuggling after Turkey.

My Princess playing ball.

Ella giving me dirty looks for snapping her picture while she was trying to fall asleep on the way home.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Dear Santa

I've been a very, very, VERY bad girl.

Though I shopped some of the Black Friday sales, I shopped a bit too much. I just can't pass up a good bargain sometimes when I see one.

But can you spare me the coal? I know Christmas is about being thankful, but I will be very good about giving this year! Everyone I buy for is taken care of already. Well, scratch that...with the exception of two cute little nieces I have who are currently enjoying their Turkey in Florida. They will have to wait.

I couldn't resist the Black Friday sales this year at Gymboree for the kids. This is my first year...and when Magellan sees what I bought it may be my last. Thankfully, he will be workign in New Paltz when the packages arrive, LOL! But I did buy for next year! That has to count for something, right?! And CJ got a new coat which he so desperately needed, and it only cost $11 marked down from $49! That was my super find for the day. Sadly I have found that a lot of the hand me downs my good friend gave me are a little too stretched out for Ella to fit into, or have some stains that I can't get out. They are fine for play clothes or extras to keep at the Grandparents, but she really did need some new things. I emphasize some, ok??

In my defense, Ella won't have or need much of a Christmas. She has plenty of CJ's toys from when he was a baby, and honestly she's really not into girly stuff yet. She loves Elmo and Cookie Monster so that is what she's getting. A few books, play phone, play remote and whatever the Grandparents choose to buy for her. She will have more fun with the boxes and wrapping paper. Oh to be so young again!

CJ will have a good Christmas this year, Santa, thanks to my bargain finding. I am still finding presents I hid around the house that I forgot about. He sure is ONE sneaky boy and may find them before I do!

Daddy said he could really use the coal this year. Load up his stocking!!! And leave extra in his shoes.

I don't need anything. Really, keep the Coach purse and Uggs this year. I have all I could ask for. Health for me (please no repeats of last winter!), both kids have been healthy *knocking on wood*, Magellan has had steady work so far (which is better than last year at this point), no snow (sorry, I hate to drive in it Santa!), my mom still has her job at Kodak, my dad happily watches the kids and I am still able to stay at home and watch my children grow.

So, hopefully you don't get too upset when you see all the clothes I bought the last few days....

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

And what a great day it was!

Turkey was good, and so was the dessert. Best part of all, the kids were fantastic! All three of them (one was my nephew!).

To start off the day right, CJ actually slept til 8am! Ella woke at 7am, which is normal for her considering she goes to sleep no later than 7p unless something is going on. I showered earlier than everyone else b/c I had a lot of stuff to get together for the kids. It's a real pain to pack for both the kids sometimes! But you have to be prepared.

My plan was to keep Ella up until we left so she could nap on the way, but who was I to think this girl to stay awake longer than 3 hours in the morning. She just couldn't and didn't want to do it. She napped, I did my hair and makeup and CJ played transformers and Daddy had to fix one of his trailers. Just what he wanted to do on a holiday I'm sure!

We finally left, a bit later than we had planned but it always seems to work out that way for us now that we have two kids. Dora kept CJ and Ella entertained the whole car ride and Ella was so excited to see her Papa, Grammy and Great Grammy. Oh, and the dog of course! She dove right into the toy box and found her ball and was happy just tossing that around for a bit. Then her cousin, Chase, showed up and that made her day. She just loves him to death! She snacked on some chips and crackers and around 2p or so (I lost track of time!), we sat down to an awesome turkey dinner. There was so much food, and I had to restrain myself! I wanted to save as much room for apple pie as possible. Gram's apple pie is the best!

Ella, unfortunately, at this point was getting sleepy. It was past her normal nap time so she was just not into the food. Weird, eh? A girl who loves to eat was just too tired to enjoy her first real Thanksgiving. She even was so tired, rather than move her hand to pick up some corn and feed herself she tried to lick it up like a dog. I wish I had had my camera with me at that moment b/c when she picked her head up she had corn stuck all over her forehead. It was very funny.

Around 3p she finally passed out and snored for 2 hours! She completely missed dessert but she didn't care. When it comes down to it, sleep is way more important to her.

The boys played WII Resorts and Super Mario Brothers and had a good time. I drank my wine and hung out. Maybe I kept to myself a bit more than usual but I was tired, and still have a lot on my mind. Magellan and I are doing a bit better I suppose but I still feel like we've drifted apart. He starts a job in New Paltz on Monday and will be gone til Thursday night and maybe the space will be good. They always say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Only time will tell.

So I hope you all had a good Turkey Day. I have a bunch of pics but am far too tired at this point to post them. So tomorrow will be the picture parade.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Tasteless Tuesdays

So in honor of all the drama in my life, I've decided to try something new and quirky.

Thanks to my wonderful children, I have a lot of odd, yet funny stories.

Here are some courtesy of my silly Transformer:
"Mommy, if you don't let me play the fighting WII game, I'm going to transform you to the garbage can forever."

"Momma, I have this itch on my wiener, can you get it for me?"

"I was too busy dreaming to go pee last night. So I just went in my bed."

"That girl's hair is gross mommy. I don't think she ever brushes it."

"Daddy taught me how to shake the last drop of pee off my wiener so I wouldn't have to wipe or wash my hands."

"I'm healthy cause I eat grapes and pizza."

Tasteless things, courtesy of my little ladybug:
Ella has recently discovered a private part when I take her diaper off, and she likes to tickle it. She could laugh for hours when I change her diaper.

She likes to shove food down her shirt to save for later.

Ella will sometimes drop food down the sides of her high chair so when she's hungry after dinner she will walk over to it and dig thru it till she finds something she wants.

I have caught Ella digging in our garbage looking for food. And yes I have caught her before she has eaten it.

Ella loves to let our dog lick the piece of food she's holding, and then eat it afterwards.

She saw the dog lick some water that spilled on our carpet, so I saw her copy the dog. And try licking the puddle of water herself.

Hope you found these as amusing as I did!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sharing the love

Well, I got my first blog award! I'm so excited about it. It was so nice to wake up to something special. Now I must share the award with you all, AND even more importantly share the love with the other blogs that give me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

So thank you Mindi! Be sure to visit her blog! This woman makes me laugh so hard, and I can totally relate to her as well. Not to mention I get some kick ass advice from her!

Here are some other blogs that just make my day! Be sure to visit them!

AJ @

Patti @

MckMama @

Dawn @

Katielynn @

Patrice @

Sheree @

Here are the rules to the award:

* Display the award logo.
* Nominate up to 10 blogs that make you feel comfy or warm inside.
(Not sure what the original number to nominate was-but I chose 10 :)
* Link to your nominees.
* Let them know they have been nominated by commenting.
* Link to the person from whom you received the award.

So that's it for today!

Just sharing the love! Make sure you do the same!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

-Lady Antebellum

Saturday, November 21, 2009

A fork in the road

It seems I've come to a fork in the road. The road of my life that is. And I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. There are a lot of things that are affected by my decision. And I guess the decision is not entirely mine either.

I feel as though I've lost Magellan. Not like a dog where I would put up signs for rewards and things, but we've hit a major bump in our road of marriage.

I suppose it stems back to the fact that I stay at home now. It's always an argument in our house, that he seems to think I don't do enough, I think he doesn't help enough and blah, blah, blah. Any mother may know what I'm talking about. You don't have to be a stay at home mom to understand it. I got the same crap when I worked full time, only this time the argument is more frequent and Magellan can sometimes be vicious with his words.

Today I'm fat and lazy.

Yes, you read that right. I'm fat. I can still fit into a small size and yet I'm still considered fat in Magellan's book. He claims I've let myself go. Well, maybe I have. Maybe I still have my wider child-bearing hips, or love handles, or some saggy skin but this is me. I birthed two children, not an easy fete. When I have the time I do my sit ups, I take the kids for a walk but really the secret is I love to eat. And I'm an emotional eater. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat (typically chocolate!), and when I'm really happy I eat. It's hard. I've never had an issue with my weight until I had Ella. Let's face it, I'm fast approaching the dirty 3-0, and I ain't getting any younger! My body just doesn't respond in the same way. I'm just too tired most days to really care or do anything.

I do just about everything around the house. And some days I just get plain sick and tired of it. I get tired of making meals, changing poopy diapers, wiping my son's ass, washing clothes, cleaning up my messy (but cute!) daughter, cleaning up the dog's mess, feeding the cats, cleaning the cats toilets, vacuuming, wiping counters....the list goes on. Some days I just feel like I don't want to get out of bed.

I feel too routine. I need to break it up.

So, right now Magellan is in the dog house, and I wish that was literal! I don't get to relax until after 8p every night, and mind you my day starts around 6am. Some days I long to work again, I have even filled an application or two. But, here I sit still. You would think come the weekends, I would get more help, I would get more understanding from Magellan. But no....and I still have yet to figure out what's up his ass.

And do know, I'm taking a huge leap of faith here, spilling my guts, but it feels good to get it out. I'm hoping maybe even for some advice too!!

I know I'm not lazy and fat, but gosh darn it all! It still hurts just the same. Sometimes it doesn't really even hurt me cause I'm just so immune to it. Magellan just speaks his mind when he gets mad and doesn't really care who he hurts in the long run. I usually don't argue or say a word, I continue to go about my business. But lately, I just can't let that continue to happen. Though I love him, I need him to change.

I need his help. I feel I should not always ask for it. Magellan says I need to. Why are some men such idiots in this department? I should not HAVE to ask you to help me out. Especially when I'm sick, or it's been a hard day with the kids. I should not have to ask a man to be a father to his kids when he comes home from work.

Have I mentioned this before to Magellan? Yes, I most certainly have. As I wrote above, we always seem to have this conversation and it's always me saying the same thing. I need more support, more help and don't want to hear the bullshit when I want to go out to dinner with my girlfriends once a month.

So for now, things are somewhat tame at home. Magellan helped an awful lot this morning (now it's Sunday, it's taken me a long time to write this), it won't last though. It never does. He'll go back to his old routine and in another few weeks when I'm not feeling good, or PMS'ing or just plain exhausted, we'll fight about it again. I have actually mentioned the dreaded S and D words. But only to deaf ears. Magellan's pride would never allow him to get a divorce.

But mine will. My pride does not stand in my way anymore. I feel some days I've been unhappy far too long.

Who knows? Maybe he will read this and get a clue.

Or not.

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's Friday

And yes my arm still hurts from the darn H1N1 vaccine. But I feel way better knowing that the kids and I got it. At least the kids anyway. I know there's a lot of controversy out there about whether or not to get the shot, if the H1N1 really exists, what all the hype is about and so on and so on. But I don't listen to it, I honestly did not read any info on it until the younger children starting passing away the last few weeks. I would rather be safe than sorry.

Most of you don't know about the time CJ got Rotavirus when he was 2. Actually it was a few weeks after his 2nd birthday. He was so, so sick. It was actually one of the few times I've been scared for one of my children. I actually had to hold his head up for him in the car on the way to the ER....he was that lethargic. And I even freaked out when we had to admit him to the hospital. It really made me realize just how serious that virus can be. Unfortunately, they hadn't come up with the Rotavirus vaccine yet, so he was at God's mercy. He spent 3 days in the hospital, not eating or drinking. Just laying in bed with all kinds of tubes attached to his poor little arm. Oh and pooping. It was much later that we found out one of his daycare workers came to work with the virus. And didn't go home when she realized she had it. Which is how CJ got it. This is the main reason why I am glad to be a stay at home mom when the kids are still so young.

It's because of this experience that I will always and forever get my children vaccinated. Especially when I read of just how sick babies and young kids can get. And it doesn't help matters that CJ has asthma, which only increases his risk of serious upper respiratory issues if he did get a strain of the flu.

So anyway, enough of my rant.

Our numbers were finally called around 345p. I was able to watch them on a live channel on the internet so we didn't have to sit and wait in the parking lot for 4 hours.

As I said before, There is a God!

I quickly packed up our bags and off we went, back to the clinic down the road. I knew it would be much harder to keep Ella occupied as it would be close to her dinner time, and when that kid is hungry, snacks only do so much for her. CJ was actually so well behaved, I almost couldn't believe he was my son!! I think he understood how stressful and serious it was. And he was even talking about how the shot wouldn't even hurt and he promised he wouldn't scream. I almost believed him!

Around 5p we finally got our turn to get the vaccine. Lucky for us, we got a very sweet and understanding nurse. B/c Ella has already had her flu shot, the nurse said she wouldn't need a booster for the H1N1, which was a relief. B/c where would I take her for that, LOL! Her pediatrician's office still doesn't have it. I went first, had to show CJ that it really wasn't that bad, but I was surprised. The prick itself wasn't that bad, but man, you could feel the liquid going into your arm and it wasn't very comfy. But, you know us moms...have to put on a brave face.

CJ was next and all of a sudden decided he did NOT need the shot. He told the nurse he was a very healthy boy and would be leaving now. Not a chance! I had to chase him down in a room of over 100 people b/c he decided he was too scared to get it. Note to self*this is where it would've been handy to have Magellan around*. After about 10 mins of me wrapping my entire body around CJ, and him breaking loose, he finally got the shot. He didn't scream! But of course he cried, and moaned about how it hurt.

Ella was last, she got hers in her leg. The brute didn't even shed a tear, just yelled for a quick second. I put her down so I could zip up her jammies and she started yelling at the nurse. At least she brought a giggle to everyone around us during such a stressful, scary time! Leave it to the Princess to do that.

I promised CJ if he didn't scream he could have McDonald's, so off we went. I'm thinking my New Year's resolution needs to be to swear off that crap. Too often I get it b/c it's easier than cooking and now my ass is paying for it dearly. Winter is hard for me and the eating as you now know. I like too many things this time of year that is so fattening. Oh well. You only live once, right?

That was our night. CJ is at school today and Ella and I are spending our Friday bonding as usual. I love Fridays!

These are the only pics I could get at the clinic. I won't post the god awful one of me I let CJ take. It's truely very scary!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

H1N1 - There is a God!

Today is a killer day. Thanks to the H1N1 vaccine. And we haven't even had the shot yet!

Magellan called me about a 3 year old passing away in Greece (a town about 30 mins away from us) from the H1N1 virus, and I read about another child in Wayne County yesterday. It's getting close to home and making me nervous. So I checked to see when clinics around us would be offered. Low and behold (and lucky me!) there was one 5 mins from us starting at 10a and going til 8p. Little did I know what was actually in store for me once I got there.

We got to the Town Hall about 930a or so and I was only semi prepared. I had brought plenty of drinks, snacks and blankets and toys but boy I didn't have it all. Shocking, huh? I saw all the cars already there and almost died. It was a huge hike from where we had parked and once we got up to the Town Hall, I see that there is a line just to get your number and paperwork. But that line was enormous. Seriously. I have never seen a longer line in my life. It was like everyone and their neighbor came out. I find it hard to believe that all those people there were under 25, had some sort of respiratory issue, or had very young children.

After an hour and a half of waiting, a very nice couple (who had 2 young children) said the wife was going to her car to wait it out and the hubby took down my phone number and told me to wait in my car and he would call when he got close so the kids didn't have to get any colder. Ella was about at the end of what we will call good behavior and by that time it was down pouring....oh and it was 40 degrees.

There is a God!

So, we went and sat in the car, watched the line move very slowly, ate pretzels, drank water/milk and watched Baby Einstein movies. It was about another 2 hours of waiting in the car. Finally, I made a mad dash to get my number and paperwork and asked the women what the estimate was from when you actually got your number til when it was called. Oh, forgot to mention, there was a special radio station designated to call the numbers so people could wait in their cars and stay warm. Her response:

"Um they're saying about 5-6 hours."

All I could do was blink and stare.

She calmly said, "If I were you and you have little kids, go home, come back around 530p to be on the safe side and get some rest."

There is a God!

I ran as fast as I could, told CJ the good news and off I went to run my errands with the kids!

CJ was so happy we didn't have to wait in the car any more. Even he was getting antsy. By the time we got home it was 1p. Mind you we left the house at 915am. Ella passed right out in her crib and CJ is having quiet time. I'm going to eat a sandwich and go sleep myself. I'm exhausted.

I'll tell y'all tomorrow how the actual process and shot go! With pictures maybe!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My annual...trip to the OB that is

This is the by far the first funny post I've posted in awhile. And damn it feels good to do so! I need some laughter in my life right now. And I'm sure some of you do too, and today you are going to get it.

So last week I had my annual visit at my OB's office. I typically dread these visits b/c my usual Dr is VERY slow, has a horrible bed side manner and is hard to understand with her Jamaican accent. And she never really answers the questions I have either. Well, lucky me, this time the secretary actually asked me who I wanted to see! Of course I gave her my two options and I got my second choice...good old Dr R. He is funny, always on time, doesn't beat around the bush and answers any questions very thoroughly in layman terms. Even I can understand that!

This time I opted to take Ella and CJ with me. I know, just shoot me now right? I'm a brave soul, eh? Magellan had a meeting so that option was out. I hate to overwhelm my dad with other requests, when he already watches the kids while I clean part time, and that week he had watched both kids the day before, and would be watching Ella that Friday while I had a salon appt. So, I didn't even bother asking b/c I hate to over do it. Anyway, the kids ate lunch before we went, and amazingly enough we didn't have to wait too long before my name was called in the waiting room. Oh, and we managed to get there on time. A huge fete for me!

Now comes the fun parts!

First, I had to do the usual pee in a cup drill. And naturally CJ was all up in my face saying, "Why are you peeing in a cup, mom? How do you do that?" I explained it's so they can make sure I'm healthy and it's really not all that difficult. Well, then he wanted to use the cups to drink out of and put HIS name on it. Nope, sorry Charlie. You do not have to do that kind of stuff just yet.

So, out we go to the height/weight room. They took my weight, which I will NOT reveal. I thought by now I would weigh less. Nope....guess I've had one too many bowls of ice cream at night. Time to go back to using the WII Fit. My fat ass can't get any more fatter. Well, actually, it could if I don't get some sort of exercise during the winter season. Seems like all I want to do is eat. *mmmmmm*, matter of fact I just finished a hot fudge sundae...

On to the finger prick part. CJ just about fainted when he realized what the nurse had done to me. And said, "Ooh, did that hurt? Can I see the blood?" Course by then there was no more blood, but his eyes got so wide when he saw the nurse squeeze my finger and put the blood on the slide. Haha, if he only knew this was not the worst of it.

Into the examining room we go, all the nurses and Dr's oohing and aahing over the kids. Miss Ella sure gave them something to ooh about. As soon as someone would get close, she'd either blow a raspberry at them or roll her eyes. She is a character all right. Keeping her quiet in the exam room was much harder than I thought. She really just wanted to get down like her big brother and run around. She wanted nothing to do with her snacks, drink or toys I brought. Finally, after I had gotten all hot and sweaty Dr R came in, rubbing my back and saying hi, and all I can think about is "Good lord, I'm as hot as a freaking furnace and sweating buckets, and he just touched my back." Oh, and it was also the week of my waxing so I was as hairy as a damn Orangutan!! I should have at least thought that part out a bit better. Next time I will NOT schedule my annual when my pits are so damn hairy. Men, no matter if they are a Dr or not, will never get it. Sorry men!

Now it's time for the fun part. You know, where you get opened like a Thanksgiving Day turkey but without the stuffing part. Well, sort of. I almost forgot about the kids being there b/c I was too busy worrying about how I was going to keep my hairy armpits covered when Dr R says, "So, do you want your Junior OB over here to sit by your head, or just do a lot of explaining on the way home?" God, I love that man!

Nope, did not opt for the explaining part. I told CJ to come hold my hand cause I was nervous, and of course he didn't fall for that. He kept saying, "Momma, what's he gonna do to you down there?" I said, "Oh just make sure I'm healthy and do the exam and then we can go." I saw him try and sneak a peak as to what Dr R was doing, and what kind of contraptions he was using. I was DEF sweating now. I was afraid CJ would get bold and just hop over the table and take a look at my hoo-hoo and everything. Thank God he didn't!

Finally it's done, and Dr R precedes to tell me I can no longer be on the pill b/c I get auras with my migraines, and apparently, it puts me at a huge risk for a stroke. Glad my other Dr never told me that! So, he allowed me to get a new Rx for my current med but with one refill so I'm forced to get a new form of birth control. I told him I have a new form, and it involves a man and his wee-wee getting the axe. I am STILL waiting on you, Magellan!!!

I get the kids in the car, both are ready for a nap by now, but so am I! Good lord, who would've thought going to the OB could be considered a cardiovascular workout? CJ says to me, "Momma, what was wrong with your butt anyway? Did the Dr hurt your butt?"

After laughing to myself for about an hour I told CJ it was just an exam, its part of life and no my butt does not hurt. So he proceeds to say,

"Daddy said you had to go to the butt doctor b/c you're so stinky. Is that true?"

Have a fantastic night!!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Come on, let's get moving

I wish I had as much motivation as my title did. Seriously, I hate this time of year. It gets dark at like 5p making it so all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch tv. Lucky for me, I have one kid who goes to bed religiously by 7p so at least I get to veg out after Ella goes down.

However, I will admit even though I am still fighting this darn cold/sinus infection I have still been quite busy. On Thursday Ella and I both napped for quite a bit in the morning b/c she had a rough night, and we all know a rough night for baby makes a rough night for Mommy. She is STILL working on those damn molars. Only one has broken thru the skin. Ugh! I have that one line from "Finding Nemo"...."just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." when it comes to her teething. We are almost at the end of this stage. Just her canines are left after these 4 molars come in, and if she's miserable from her molars now I have a sinking feeling she will be miserable with those too. *sigh* being a mommy is so hard sometimes.

But anyway, so Thursday after we woke up from our naps I decided we all needed to get out of the house so I decided to take the kids to a place called The Sandbox, in Fairport (check it out, it's and let them just run around free for a couple of hours. What a great idea it turned out to be! I treated them to McDonald's while I ate an apple and a granola bar before hand. Sometimes I really do feel guilty for putting so much grease into my body. The kids LOVED The Sandbox! As soon as I let Ella in to run around she squealed in great delight. I have never seen her so excited before. There were plenty of other people there her size and of course she's the friendliest child (well, besides CJ) that I've ever met. She walked up to every kid in the place and smiled at them or just wanted to follow them around. It was very sweet. Ella especially loved the little sandbox they had. Not with real sand of course, but like little pebbles and she only tried to eat them a handful of times, LOL! CJ had a blast of course. They a had a little bounce house and a giant slide, plus he loved the little sandbox just as much as Ella did. It was a great way to let out some pent up energy and Ella and CJ both napped as soon as we got home. It was wonderful!

Friday I had Ella's 12 month picture review. Her pictures once again came out great and I can't wait to get them. We had so much fun at that last session. Trammel Photography does a fantastic job!

After that appt I had my monthly waxing visit. I don't think I've blogged about my whole waxing thing. Shockingly, I get my underarms waxed. Not b/c I'm really that vain, but I have a skin condition that causes my hair folicles (in certain areas) to get infected and unfortunately I had a few get severely infected in my left armpit last March. It got so infected it was the size of a golf ball, extremely painful to the point where I couldn't sleep on my left side and I was popping Vicodin just about every 2 hours (which in turn led to my little pill addiction, but we'll save that for another day!), and Magellan's aunt, who used to be a nurse, said I had to call the dr the first thing in the morning to have it drained. I actually was to the point where I just wanted to slice my arm off, it was that bad. To make a long story short, I had it lanced and drained and it was the most painful experience I have ever had. Really, seriously. Way more painful than childbirth. I had to have a drain put in my armpit (really, who has ever heard of such a thing?!) to drain any remaining pus and stuff and that was awesome as well. I still have a little scar. So in order to prevent that from happening, I don't shave my underarms anymore, since that really has a lot to do with the bacteria getting into my hair follicles, and now I get waxed. And in all honestly, it is not half as bad as everyone tells you. I really don't mind it at all. It's a quick stinging feeling, but then it's over and there is no more pain. And I love how clean it looks. The only downfall, is you go about every 3 weeks and the hair does get some what long. I'm not allowed to wear tank tops in the house, LOL! Both CJ and Magellan make fun of me when it gets to the week of my appt. Oh the pain and suffering women go thru to be beautiful!

Ella and I got some quality one on one time together Friday afternoon as it's the day CJ stays at school til 5p. I think she enjoys that quiet time with no one else around. Sometimes she's more playful and happy b/c there isn't as much nosie or so much going on. It's cute. We spend a lot of time rolling around on the floor, chasing each other and just laughing. We ordered pizza for dinner and the boys played WII after Ella went to bed. I caught up on some TiVo since I'm a bit behind. Slept like shit, so did Ella which made for a very loooonnngggg day today. We did absolutely nothing. Well, the kids and I didn't. Magellan cleaned up the garage (or so he says), picked up some piles of leaves, then hit the hay at 5p b/c we now think he's getting Bronchitis. I feel bad for him. The man rarely gets sick, and now he's been sick for 2 weeks. None of the OTC meds are helping him so I told him he really needs to get in to see our regular dr. Not some on call dr, or NP, but our dr who doesn't beat around the bush. He gives you some drugs if absolutely necessary and then you're on your way. Magellan went in about a week ago, got stuck seeing one of the part time dr's there and all she gave him was an inhaler. He came home and I was like, "HUH?!" It didn't do him a damn bit of good and he is still coughing so bad it keeps me up half the night.

Me, I'm doing a lot better. No more sinus pain but I'm all stuffed up and coughing a lot as well. Not near as much as Magellan but enough to irritate me. Tomorrow we'll be spending the day at my mom's, and my mom and I are going to Kohls to do some more Xmas shopping. I think she's gonna try and get some stuff for Ella and CJ.

Monday my step sister finds out the sex of her baby. I am so excited! I'm thinking girl, and so is she. I think my dad said she's due end of April. Can't wait!! Another little girl to spoil!

And now, to end the post with some pics of the kids at The Sandbox.

And this picture is of Ella's adorable piggy tails. She sits so good for me when I do her hair, and then when I'm done, she pats her head as if to make sure they are in place and then takes off running to play! I just love having a little girl so I can play with her hair! Some day she will hate me but until then, she's all mine!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, November 9, 2009

Sick as a dog

Yup, I'm sick as a dog. I caught whatever crap Magellan had. I've just about lost any voice I had today and the sinus pain has gotten worse. Luckily tho, I found some Amoxocillian in the medicine cabinet from this past March and I'm going to take it and see if it helps. If not, to the dr I go!

So, sick as a dog I sit here and blog, LOL. I didn't blog yesterday and I don't like too much time to go by not blogging b/c then it's just playing catch up and that gets boring for me.

We did not have our playdate yesterday. I was just too sick. I slept like shit, thank you Magellan, and napped every time Ella went down. Yes, it was Magellan's fault b/c he woke me up at 5am to tell me to keep the cats quiet. Um, the cats are in the basement, not really sure how I was going to master that one, but I went downstairs to see if they needed food/water. Which of course they did, so I fed them and hoped they would be quiet. Sadly for me I didn't go back to sleep, and naturally Magellanw as snoring away when I came back upstairs. Figures! I can't wait til Star needs to go outside at 3am and take a shit b/c paybacks are a bitch!

So, I've had my glass of wine, even tho I'm sick as a dog, took all my drugs since I'm a pill popper and now I'm hoping to drift off into lala land!


Sunday, November 8, 2009


It was another busy weekend for us. And can you believe it's already November??

First off, Happy Birthday Pee Wee! He celebrated his 23rd on Saturday. I was nice enough to allow Magellan to go out drinking with the boys. Of course he kept me awake from about 330a on b/c he not only stunk like a freaking brewery, but also coughed up half his lung too. He's still nursing a cold that sadly, he passed along to me. And mine ALWAYS turn into sinus infections. In fact, I can feel some pretty horrendous sinus pain as I type.

Friday I hung with one of my dear friends who came up from Corning to visit me. She really helped me to relax and it took my mind off of the recent drama in my life. Actually she drove up Thursday night and we went to dinner and laughed and joked and it was awesome. I did take CJ, but he was so well behaved I couldn't have asked for a better night. Then we shared a bottle of Relax and just poured our hearts out. It felt good, I haven't done that in a long time. And what a great person to share things with b/c she is so not judgemental, but gives her honest opinion and I always appreciate that. Friday we went to the mall and just window shopped. Well, mainly I did. Jenn was a on a shoe mission and did get a pair. Me, well, I don't shop for myself really anymore...just the kids. I got Ella an adorable pea coat from Gap and some cute shirts for next winter. Yes, I am already buying for next year....if you recall she is already set for the rest of this winter, spring and summer. I just pray she doesn't hit some abnormal growth spurt, LOL.

Friday night CJ stayed at my parents, and had a great time. My mom said he was very well behaved and they even made brownies together. Saturday we went to Magellan's parents on Honeoye Lake. I love going there when everyone is there. I love being around family, and that always takes my mind off of things too. We had a yummy ham dinner, and Ella and cousin Chase got to spend some quality time together. It's always fun seeing her interact with someone her own size!

CJ had another sleepover (with Magellan's parents tho) and they took him to the Bounce House this morning while Ella and I took an impromptu trip to the outlet mall. It's about an hour away and I had to get Magellan some special lotion that I've only been able to find there. And it was an excuse to get out of the house and also visit the Carters store and the Gymboree Outlet.

We found Magellan's lotion, and I bought Ella's Thanksgiving Day outfit, and one Christmas outfit. She needs one more, LOL! But it was still a productive day b/c I found a ton of great deals at the Gymboree outlet. And it doesn't bother me in the least bit that the clothes are all last season. I actually like those older lines a lot more than most of the newer ones. Shockingly enough, Ella did fantastic for someone who can't stand to be confined. Ever since I bought her new stroller, a Peg Perego (which BTW, I highly recommend this stroller over any one!), she has been an angel in it. It has the freedom of movement harness and this keeps her from feeling so confined. Although I will admit, I should've gone to Gymboree first b/c they had an awesome sale going on and it was our last stop. By then she had had enough and was exhausted. But I still got a bunch of things for her that are too cute. I will make her model them later this week maybe and post pics!

No more family drama as of just yet. I'm hoping it just dies down and disappears altogether, but I highly doubt that. That is not how that side of the family works!

CJ has school tomorrow, we may have a play date depending on how well I feel, and then he has Gym class. My mom is hoping to get out of work on time and surprise CJ at gym class and watch him. He will be so excited. But I haven't said anything yet just in case of the off chance she gets stuck at work late. That would suck, and he would be so disappointed.

Well, I suppose that's it. I'm hoping to go to bed early tonight b/c I'm exhausted.

Oh, and Ella is a walking fiend. She walks every where now and is so good. She's only been walking for about 2 weeks and already she has mastered it. She is practically running! And she loves this recent stage she has conquered.

Night all!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Blood is not always thicker than water

Well, at least in my case it isn't.

Sadly, I've been putting off blogging for almost a week now. It's so not like me to avoid putting my thoughts "on paper". But, so much has gone on I've actually been trying to avoid the pain. And as you know from my very last post, the pain is the decision I've been forced to deal with as of late, which is my bio dad who is dying of jaw cancer.

A lot has happened in almost a week. I got some really crappy messages on facebook from my bio dad's family. Blaming me for a relationship we never even had, or could of had b/c he was never a father to me or my brothers. They are mad that he missed out on so much with us kids, and with my children as well. But, last time I checked, during the very tender years I was still seeing my bio dad, he never made an effort to show or tell me that he really gave a shit about us. And last I checked he was THE ADULT. You can't and shouldn't blame a child for your own shortcomings as a parent. Unfortunately, that is just how my BD always has been. He's a drunk, a mean one at that, an abuser, and an enabler. He physically, emotionally and verbally abused my mom in front of us kids for 13 years. He abused my older brother who is mentally disabled, all b/c he wasn't considered "normal". Nice father, eh?

And can you even believe I had one cousin post a note on my wall on facebook telling me I was too young to remember everything and I was being arrogant about this whole situation? Ok, I was 10 when my parents divorced, I was NOT too young to remember most of what my BD put us thru. He harassed my mom after she left, kidnapped my baby brother to force my mom to come back to him, told me I wasn't his daughter and he didn't love me the way he loved my other half sisters.....he was an asshole plain and simple. And of course I don't expect anyone but my mom or brothers to know this. I don't expect my BD to have been actually open and honest with his family about what an asshole he was to his own flesh and blood.

Which brings me to my post title....I have a dad. A dad who has been there for me every step of my life and children's lives for the last 16 years. He is everything I had always hoped for in a dad and grandfather. He is what everyone should hope for in a parent. He treats me like he cares, like I'm his own. And he's never verbally or emotionally abused me. Not once. That is how it should be between a father and his children. Not the way I grew up for 14 years, until I cut the cord from my bio dad. I just couldn't live that way anymore..constantly feeling like I trash, like he didn't care, just like I wasn't good enough. For years I struggled with who I was, and if I ever really mattered to people. And now, after all these years, all that pain and struggling just comes back to me. From people who have NO clue what my life was like with my bio dad.

Blood does not run thicker than water in my case. The water I have now is stronger than that blood tie.
I am the exception to the rule, and I don't care who doesn't like it.

Right now, I have decided I am not going to see my bio dad. He doesn't deserve it. I have a sinking, disgusting feeling that he is the same man he always was...hard, bitter, mean and unfeeling. I'm sure he'll just take that opportunity if he does see me to just punish me for not being around for the last 15 years. I will not subject myself to his abuse any more. I don't have to. I have my own family and I need to be strong for them, and that is what is most important to me.

Not someone who doesn't and has never given a damn about me or my brothers.

So sue me, send me to hell b/c I'm not rushing to a dying man's side. I can live with my decision right now.

Because where was he when I was suffering? When I graduated high school, graduated college, lost a good friend in a horrific car crash, lost my cousin and an uncle, lost my grandma, lost a child and went thru an abusive relationship? He was probably at the bar. Because all he ever cared about was himself. Everything was always about him.

Feel bad for him b/c he doesn't see any of his 6 kids. Feel bad for him b/c he can't pay his bills while he chooses not to work. Feel bad for him b/c he's sick, feel bad for him b/c he doesn't have anyone to go home to at night.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I lived a horrible life with my bio dad. He hurt me beyond belief, a child should never be made to feel like nothing. A parent should never tell there child they don't love them as much as they used to.

A child should never be blamed for their parents' divorce.

This is me, brutally honest, and it helps to get this off my chest. I've kept so much bottled in for so many years, but what really pisses me off is people who don't know me, think they do. They think they have a clue as to the hurt and pain I've been put thru. They think they have some sort of predisposed idea of what my bio dad was like, when in truth they don't know.

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

To all my friends who support any decision I make, thank you. You mean the world to me.

To those people who don't support any decision I make, well, you're not my friend so I don't care.

Oh and P.S...the pictures above are of the man whom I call "DAD" and has been a part of my life since I was fourteen. This is how it should be.

Monday, November 2, 2009

A hard decision

Some of you may know that I haven't seen/talked to my bio dad in almost 15 years. For reasons that I won't go into, he's never been a nice man. He doesn't know Magellan, or CJ or Ella. Heck, he doesn't even know me anymore....

Sadly, I found out today he is dying of jaw cancer. There is a small possibility they can try a bone graft, but they don't know if he's a good candidate or not yet. Should he not be, he probably has 6 months to live.

I don't know how to feel at this exact moment. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. It's very hard, I'm feeling a ton of emotions right now. Sad, mad, angry, let down, confused.

This is a man that never really wanted much to do with me after my parents divorced 20 years ago, but I'm still a part of him. He's my father, and I guess it's ok to feel sad about a life being lost. Part of me wants to see him, part of me feels I should, that it's the right thing to do. But part of me remembers how mean and abusive he was to me. I almost feel he doesn't deserve to know me or my family now.

I don't will all sort itself out in the end I suppose.