Monday, November 2, 2009

A hard decision

Some of you may know that I haven't seen/talked to my bio dad in almost 15 years. For reasons that I won't go into, he's never been a nice man. He doesn't know Magellan, or CJ or Ella. Heck, he doesn't even know me anymore....

Sadly, I found out today he is dying of jaw cancer. There is a small possibility they can try a bone graft, but they don't know if he's a good candidate or not yet. Should he not be, he probably has 6 months to live.

I don't know how to feel at this exact moment. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. It's very hard, I'm feeling a ton of emotions right now. Sad, mad, angry, let down, confused.

This is a man that never really wanted much to do with me after my parents divorced 20 years ago, but I'm still a part of him. He's my father, and I guess it's ok to feel sad about a life being lost. Part of me wants to see him, part of me feels I should, that it's the right thing to do. But part of me remembers how mean and abusive he was to me. I almost feel he doesn't deserve to know me or my family now.

I don't will all sort itself out in the end I suppose.


Confessions Of A Working Mom said...

Hey girl, I found your blog through a mutual blog we follow, and I just had to tell you that I understand how you feel. I am adopted, and have never met my bio-parents, and sometimes I wonder if by the time I actually go "looking" for them if it'll be too late. I think only you know what is right for you, but I definitely feel that "conflict of heart" perspective!

I'll definitely return to see what you decide!


~aj~ said...

Lindsay, this post gave me chills.

I have no idea what the "right" answer is...or even if there is a right or a wrong. I guess in the end you just have to follow your heart. Your dad may not deserve a thing from you...but you might find that reaching out to him will give you peace.

KUP and big HUGS!